Its been a really long time!

Its been a fairly long time since I have posted. I go in spurts of wanting to write all the time to having nothing to say (or plenty to say but things I shouldn't) So many things have happened since my last post. Some good others not so much. Not wanting to rehash all things past, I am looking forward to my future!

I have been working on making myself better. I have been trying to let go of things that have been holding me back. Its always easier said than done so its been taking a lot of effort on my part. Death is not an easy thing to get over especially when its not expected. I have been in a constant fight with things I can not control, things that nobody can control or change. Its kind of like looking in the fridge over and over, as many times as you look, you'll have the same results. I am the one person who will open the fridge and expect something new to be there. Metophorically of course.. I keep hoping for a change that not even God could grant me. Accepting and moving on is the only way to keep going.

One way that I am going to cope is I have finally gotten up the courage to put the word out and become active with a suicide prevention walk. Out of the Darkness is a walk that is put on every year for suicide awareness. I made it my goal to raise $100 and I am already over goal and have the rest of this week to raise more! I think I am at $115. It's more than I actually thought I would get. I have thanked each person already, wanting them to know how much it really means to me. I haven't really opened up and talked to anyone about my feelings and thoughts on suicide. I never thought I would lose anyone that way. The longer its been, the harder it gets. I think its mostly due to the fact I haven't refused to face it. It has tore me up inside and out and it has had a huge impact on my relationships with my friends and my family mostly my husband and kids. I need to let myself deal with it so I can get back to who I once was or at least close to. I have to believe he is at peace, he made his choice for a reason and he didn't want me to feel the way I do.

For now, its one day at a time. Make the most of what I do have and no longer be so focused on what I don't.

Quote~

I know God will not give me anything I can't handle, I just wish he didn't trust me so much
~Mother Teresa

On a brighter note...

I forgot to mention that I plan on reading more books this year. That is my "resolution". And I do mean adult books for myself, not Dr. Seuss (as great as he is..) I use to love reading and its very theraputic.

Its been a few days..

Its been an exciting few days to say the least.

We took the kids to the waterpark on Thursday night which went fairly well. We woke up Friday morning to a phone call from our Mother in Law saying Brandy (our sister in law) went into labor! She wasn't due until Feb 4th so this baby is 4 weeks early, closer to 5 actually. So we rushed home, dropped off our kids and headed to the hospital. Little Justis was born at 6:33 that evening. What a way to start off the new year, a new baby. Sadly, he wasn't the first one born. First one born was at 2:47 in the morning. He was doing okay until today and now he is in the Ped's dept. He needs help with body temp and weight but other than that he is doing fine. Breathing fine on his own and has good reactions. PHEW!

Moving on. We had my Moms Christmas on Saturday which went well per usual. Lots of fun and food. I got nothing accomplished over the weekend due to the baby and family time but there is always next weekend right!?! God forbid my husband lift a finger. Meh..whatever.

Today has been a terrible day and I am very certain that I will feel better after tomorrow when my kids are back in school and back on a schedule. I have to call the Dr. office and get Logans medication increased. It is doing him no good, gives the opposite effect which is what it did THE FIRST TIME! but my stupid insurace said he had to try it again before they will give the okay on the other meds since they cost more. Bite me Blue Cross of Illionois..bite me.

I often times question all my parenting skills and wonder if I am to blame for the way he is. I mean I was only 18 when I had him and I wasn't very good at it. I mean, I raised him on my own and did what I had to do but I sucked at it. My patience is not that of a saint. I am sure I could of handled a lot of situations better. I never mistreated him or beat him or anything like that, just a general lack of knowledge on what I should have done with him, proper ways to raise a child, esp while they are young and impressionable.

I think I got better with each kid yet I started getting stressed out over other things such as dealing with Logans outburts and his own frustrations and everyday struggles. I literally run in circles with trying to make things at peace around here. I leave from point A run like mad go through loopty loops, up and downs and find myself right back at A rather than B. Go figure, right!

Something has got to change. Not just with him but EVERYONE. It does me no good to try and set rules and boundries if only 1 parent follows through. I have said before I understand kids will be kids but there is a point where it gets to be too much. I can't understand why its asking for too much to have a little bit of organization to lesson the chaos around here which would make life easier for everyone involved. A calm home makes calm kids right! What do I have to lose by trying.

I am tired of feeling angry and overwhelmed when it comes to my house. I can be gone all day and be feeling great and as soon as I open my door its like a sudden rush of madness hits me in the face. That is such a sad thing. Home is where you should go to feel comfort, not frustrated. I don't want to mad all the time. I am sick of my husband telling me I do it to myself. I am sick of my husband telling me I can't handle anything and then proceed to lay down and not help me at all. He has it so rough does he not?! To sleep all the time and not doing anything around the house or anything when it comes to the kids. But, as soon as he wakes up and I am in the corner crying sucking my thumb (not literally of course) he tells me I'm nuts and I can't handle the children and its pathetic. HOW THE HELL WOULD HE KNOW?

I should just stop there or I will go on and on. Today was not a good day for us to say the least and he said thoes things to me today. I need to relax and its pretty sad that I can't handle my own children. (after they have been stuck to my hip, literally not out of my sight for 4 days straight 2 of thoes days cramed together in a hotel room...) usually its called wanting/needing a break but to my husband (who had all thoes days to himself and did nothing) its called being psychotic and needing some serious help. Pardon me for not being sympothetic to the fact you had 4 days alone, how rude of me. ahh, there I go again. I need to stop. Bitching to a computer screen is doing me no good.

I digress...

babble

I am having one of thoes moments where I realize that I have everything I want and everything I don't want all at the same time regarding the same things.

Things would include being a mother and a wife throw in housekeeper and the built in person to whine at, that is me.

I am bitchy today. Mostly at myself that nagging voice inside my head all day. Now I sould like I'm crazy. Today I am partialy. I have a headache that won't go away.

I really want to send the kids to bed right now but I am not sure I could justify my reasoning. I don't know if it would be better for them to sleep in tomorrow or not. Since tomorrow we are going to the waterpark I don't want 3 tired kids on my hands.

I hate making decisions. I always wonder if I would have went the other way what it would have been like. I also hate laying in crummbled chips which I am doing right now. No matter how much I sweep the bed, I keep finding more.

I wonder if anyone really reads this stuff.

Random thoughts of insanity.

The last few days have gone by rather quickly. Mostly due to the fact that there is a bunch of re-organizing I have to do at work so I can't really slack off too much. When I am done, I vow to not touch the Medical charts for a good 3 days! (It works because I have Fri-Sun off) I would rather clean a bathroom with a toothbrush...a small bathroom...but still

I can't sleep. Imagine that. I am more than glad its a short week. This Thursday I am going to a hotel with my sister in law and our kids. It's a water park resort. It should be a good time. Crossing my fingers it goes well, really kind of hoping that it won't be packed.

I don't do crowds well. Some would call it anxiety. I just call it a general dislike of people. Most of the hesitation comes from my children. They act up most in public. The more people, the worse it will be. My children understand that I am not one of thoes moms that wait until we get home to punish, I will say it right then and there no matter how loud I have to get. I don't get all crazy white girl on them but I don't believe in letting them get away with being inappropriate.d

I made an appt today to go in for my 3rd blood draw. I have been giving blood regularly since this past February. My Brother in law is in the Air Force. When his Dad was killed in a car accident, Red Cross gave the money to fly him and his family home from Japan to be with us. We were all so greatful I wanted to do something to show it. Giving blood is the least I can do. PLUS they give me cookies and juice afterwords. Did I mention cookies?!

Alright, enough is enough. I am going to lay down and stare at the TV and wait for sleep to find me. Until next time...